5 reasons i smiled Today...

1. I woke up
2. My favorite work trousers fit and i didn't even have to huff and puff. The diet is WERKING!!!
3. Talked to the best surrogate mother in the world-love you Iyawo Oba even if you tell me the truth and i am still not very comfortable hearing it.
4. Saw Joseph in NYSC uniform-i didn't smile-i did the belly aching laugh
5. I got 5000 Naira for doing nothing...Awuf no dey run belle in Kiahville!!! Ah, there goes my August BB bill :P

Song of the day: Dido-Hunter

Cider...

"...my life is a reading list." — John Irving (A Prayer for Owen Meany)

The thing about good books is how you can identify with it. I am not saying oh you read a book and you know immediately how the story ends or you find yourself finishing the hero's sentences etcetra...I have read such books before. I will not self inflict myself with such punishment ever again. Am talking about reading a book and knowing deep within that the challenges the characters faced, the decisions they had to make, the tears they cried, their triumphs, their failures...all of it...could have been you, could have happened to you one time or another,or maybe its already you...

I read Cider House Rules a long time ago and i cried a lot. I can't be sure why i was crying. i think it was mostly for myself.

Dr Larch is my favorite character . I see a lot of my dad in him. The way his first concern is always for his patients and the children. The way he buckles under the system that wont let him practice medicine the best way he knows how to.

I gave a friend Cider to read. I feel like a mother that just dropped off her child at boarding school for the first time. I want to share the treasure i have found with the world but i also want to protect her from 'wear and tear'

I thought about my book before i went to sleep last night. Just before i drowsed off. i could hear the good doctor calling "Goodnight you princes of Maine, you kings of New England."
And for the first time in a long time, i missed my father's kisses...

Song of the day:Abba-Mamma Mia

Nine lepers

I did someone a good turn once. I gave him my salary for a month even though I had rent to pay, bills to settle, goals that needed money to pursue. I gave him that money selflessly. I thought to myself 'what good was money if it didn't help someone in dire need'.

Unfortunately he wasn't in dire need and he wasn't a human being so he didn't fall into the category of 'somebody'. Okay that wasn't nice but I can't take it back so whatever. I gave my pearls and gave it to swine. Later on he told me he won't be giving me my money back. I should see it as an investment. For Pete's sake!!! So the stock market crashed big time but investment in 'swine'!!!

I let it go mostly because some fights are better fought for you. I believe in the God that answereth by fire,the God of vengeance...My father's church is still MFM oh!!! Anyway,back to the issue. I have since forgiven him though it wasn't immediate and it still galls me to no end that someone could take advantage of me and my goodness. I did a lot of cursing back then. I thought to myself ' I will never be nice to someone who didn't prove themselves worthy first. Well unless you were blood...and even then the blood better not be diluted!!!

But overtime I have come to realise that one mishap shouldn't dictate the way I treat other people. I was put on this earth to be a blessing. I believe that strongly despite the many stupid things I have done and the many people I have hurt. Why let one man and his sad life change my destiny?
It took an amazing man I met about a year ago to make me wake up to the fact that being a blessing isn't something to be only when the mood strikes you. Be it even when it doesn't suit you. Be what you were born to be even if it makes sense to only you.

I have learnt that for every nine ungrateful lepers, there is one who will remember to appreciate you. For every curse, there is a blessing. For every wound, there is a soothing kiss.For every traitor, there's a Peter willing to brave an army and cut their ears and much more for you. For every door shut, a window will open. The little I invested in swine has come back to me ten times over. I have a feeling I will never stop getting returns. If only he had known he was doing me a favor. Giving someone who wasn't worthy opened doors for me who wasn't worthy either!!!

Naija Heroes

My country was 24 when i was born. My country will be 50 in a few months time. 26 years i have known this nation. I have been nursed by its produce, taught by its institutions, conveyed by its roads, humbled by its heroes, outraged by its leaders, saddened by its horrors, lifted by its triumphs. 26 years of a love-hate relationship. 26years of not knowing whether to cheer her on or to give up on her. 26 years of pain , of joy, of tears, of laughter, of chagrin, of respect. 26 years of being a Nigerian.

Like a woman who has lost her mind, my country sells her children. She doesn't care about the price. A token will suffice. She is concerned about instant gratification. The future will take care of itself. She swallows her young. Those who survive have two choices. Find surrogate mothers or join your mother in her dance of madness.

There is another choice. People like us... We acclimatise. We learn to accept our mother the way she is...We learn to be on guard. We learn that with Nigeria the role of motherhood is reversed. We go everywhere prepared for we do not know when she will begin the dance of madness. We carry with us many wrappers to cover her nakedness. We love her but we know better than to trust her.

We are her heroes. The ones that have heavy hearts when we see our brothers hungry. The ones that are ashamed when we see our children unable to go to school. The ones that are filled with rage when we see the destruction of our rivers and farmlands by aliens whom our mother favors over us. The ones that speak out loud against corruption and rigging. The ones that are seduced at every turn by other countries but we always find our way back home. The ones that still believe in the treasures of the dark place that is our country...

Nigeria, Land of the two rivers, we greet you...May the years ahead be kind to you. May you in turn be kind to the years

Secrets

Its been threatening to boil over these past few months...
It started with you forgetting to buy me pizza on the way back home. I felt you didn't care enough about me. After all i was hungry. Then i nagged you all day about watching the match the night before and hanging out with your boys while i stayed home watching episode after episode of Lost and feeling lost without you.

Somehow within a short time it felt like everything had changed. You couldn't do enough and neither could i. When you tried to talk to me i shut you out and said you were complaining. When i tried, it was nagging. We went everywhere together but it felt like we were worlds apart. I started seeing shadows where there were none. You covered up even the most innocuous action just so i wouldn't see shadows there too. It didn't matter. I saw them still. Like a cycle...

We used to be best friends. Not these strangers that tiptoe around each other for fear of cracking the thin ice that has replaced our strong foundation. I wake up at night sometimes and i try to trace the angles of your face. Nothing has changed there except am afraid you will wake up and think i am crazy. You used to wake up ask me if I've found what i was searching for. I used to say yes. I can't say that anymore.

So it finally happened this morning. I said so many things. you picked the keys and drove off. I cried a lot and swore i wouldn't care if you never came back. You came back late and slept in the other bedroom. You didn't eat the dinner i made. I gave it to the dogs. I took a walk through the streets of the estate. I thought about what i had to lose if i moved on. I thought about what i stood to gain. We were still both oh so young. We could always find other people to love. I looked at all the well lit houses. and wondered what sadness they covered. Heard the noise of the generators and wondered what sounds of the heart they hid.

Our people say "Asiri a bo o"... Its a prayer that your shame be not made public. Your secrets to remain secret. When you stop trying, your secrets won't stay that way. We all have secrets.One of Mine is that i am a stupid woman who is letting her feelings and hormones determine her path.

I made my way back home. I closed the doors. I made my way to the bedroom where you were pretending to sleep and i took your face in my hands and promised myself "Asiri wa a bo".

Butterflies

I grew up with flowers so butterflies were a part of my daily routine. As a little girl, i played outside for hours watching and running after these pretty creatures. Sometimes i got lucky and caught one. I had a special used jam jar to keep them in...till Wale told me to cage them was to kill them. They never seemed to live very long anyways. I gave them names. I hardly ever saw the same butterfly twice. But the feeling i got..i remember vividly...freedom,d imagined joys of flight,d urge to stay in that moment n never leave...

In many ways, butterflies are reminiscent of our so called deepest feelings. In the beginning...The instant smile he brings to your face,the rush that comes with his touch, the way you feel wen you hear his voice, the way your heart swells when he holds you,the way you go mad with worry when you don't hear from him in an hour, the 'butterflies' in your stomach when he looks at you. You tell yourself if he leaves , you will be disabled forever.

like the butterflies...the early times...

But you find out soon enough that the butterflies wont always be there.

You who used to hang onto her every word wonders why she talks so much. The smile that broke your hart suddenly need flossing. You who used to wait up for her call wonders why she can't stop bugging you. The hands that brought shivers down your spine seem ordinary...

The butterflies are gone,the rush is over...Does that mean love died too?
 
I don't see as many butterflies as i used to...Maybe because we have left the early times behind. We are here, now...and i still look across the room searching for you with my eyes...Every time they find you...i know butterflies had nothing to do with it...

Here's looking at you babe...

Nothing Good

It hit me like a fever. My pulse raced. My senses dulled. Goose bumps appeared and didn't disappear. My heart pounded. Bats flapped their wings in my stomach. The knowledge that nothing good can come out of this. And yet I couldn't haven't stopped if I had tried.

He is 5-foot 10inches tall.Caramel skin so sweet my tongue ached to taste. Eyelashes so long they can sweep anyone away. Hands so strong they could hold back any army. Hair so soft it put wool to shame. And when he smiled, I came undone. Nothing good can come out of this.

Every time he kissed me, time stood still. His fingers exposed the secrets my body harbored. And when we danced the dance of love,our rhythm was not of this world. Nothing good can come out of this.

For I am another man's and his hearth is warmed by another woman...Nothing good can come out of this.

It is sinful...that we have to hide a love so exquisite. A love that should be flaunted. A love that should be crooned about from the tops of the hills. A love that should be celebrated..and not be spoken of in hushed tones,not reviled,not judged...

Motels,hotels...sometimes brothels....like rats we emerge only when noone can see...Nothing good can come out of this.

I made it to our love nest even though it rained.I kept driving through the storm and through the pools of water that threatened to erode all life form. I kept driving cos I knew your arms would be worth it. The skies mourned the loss I knew nothing of...

You weren't here when I got here. It's been four days. Icome back everyday. I have touched nothing except the rose and the note you left for me...

It simply said...NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OUT OF THIS...I WILL LOVE YOU TILL I DIE...