These days

These days...

I find i am better at loving, better at hating, better at indifference

I find i am no longer a stranger to me and i like all the pieces of the whole.

I see that i am strong enough to know its okay to be weak

I find beauty in the ugliest things-(i must need new glasses)

These days, things are simpler and harder at the same time.

So far, so good...

Song of the day: Dido & A.R .Rahman- If i rise(Amazing song.)

Wale...

And i thought i was so over it...

Just so happens that i am not and i never will be...i have a  feeling i will be eighty and will think of you and still bawl...

Its barely 9am and i thought of you and almost didn't make it to the bathroom before the waterworks let loose...Like a child i bawled and shook my fists at the heavens...yes i am still mad, yes i  still ask why...

I freaking miss you...i want you to be here, i so need you to be here...albeit for selfish reasosn,but i need you...

I wish you were here so i could surprise you and send you a cake or flowers or call you and tell you how much i love you...

I wish i had a recent picture that would show off my mother with the beautiful doe eyes, the pouty lips and the heart that shone through her eyes...

I miss you ma...there are times i feel so lost, so unattached, so alone...like i belong to no one, to nothing...you were my anchor...

Now i am the anchor...but i am not you and no matter how hard i try, i still falter...

Your babies are fine...i am fine but as incomplete as cake without icing, as a Christmas tree without lights...

Rest well babes...

Song of the day: Aaliyah - Miss you

Jigida

My lover's beads are red, black and blue

Their rhythm like the music of love

I blame it on the Jigida

Those powerful beads that tug at a man's loins and heart

Those instruments of seduction designed to tempt a man away from his wife

My wife wears no Jigida.

I wish she did.

Maybe i would have been able to withstand the power of my lover's beads.

But she is a modern woman

No Jigida for Madam

Just foundation and lip gloss

lingerie and perfume

At night, she comes to me with unnatural smells and colours

We dance the dance of love, me and madam

But it is nothing like the dance of Jigida

With every step my lover takes, the beads jiggle

And like the piper and the mice,

Wherever they lead, i follow

The strings shattered in a moment of passion

Hundreds of beads on our bed of love

Madam found a blue one in my pocket.

I told her blue beads signified fertility.

Maybe the blue bead would bring us luck in our search for a child.

I thought of the many blue beads on my lover's waist

and prayed it were not so.