Time flies

My bosom used to be his resting place

My belly his hideaway

Time flies

And with it blows away all that i was once to him

His babies have sucked my bosom flat

His seed has left my belly scarred

Time flies

And with it blows away all that i was once to him

My arms were all she used to hold onto

My muscled abs were where she laid her burdens at the end of the day

Time flies 

And with it blows away all that i was once to her

Her burdens have weighed down my arms

Her good cooking has turned muscle to flab

Time flies 

And with it blows away all that i was once to her

.....................................................

Time flies

And with it, the bodies we once reveled in.

The things time leaves behind:

The warmth of your smile

The courage of your heart

The trueness of your spirit

The power of your faith.

Time flies

And in its wake,

is everything i fell in love with.

Song of the day: Lighthouse Family - Keep Remembering

Tattoo

Clearing the cobwebs in my brain ... :)


So today i attended my first American football game today. My Catalonian blood boils at the very thought but i find that men in tights appeal very much to me. I will be attending many more... :)


The leaves are turning orange and brown and beautiful. it is my first autumn. It is like everything i saw in the movies and read in the books. Remember Autumn in New York, anyone? sigh...


I have nothing else to report. My muse has gone on to somewhere warmer. She will be back. She can't live without me or so i tell myself. I have written loads of stuff that i am keeping to myself these days. I fear to put them up here would mean to show my vulnerability and we cannot have that, now can we? Mostly i fear that to post them would force me to confront all the stuff i rather not deal with. What can i say? I am the bravest coward there is.

There is a tattoo in my head

It is of your smile

I have forgotten everything else

But the curve of your lips

Time heals all wounds

But it forgets to cover up the scars

It is why after 9 years

I still see your smile in every beautiful woman.

Song of day: Cher-Believe

I 'Bore' easily

Lol...


Forgive me Miss Bedingfield...i love your music but i couldn't resist bastardizing your lyrics to express myself this morning.


I bore easily...very easily...i find my mind drifting in class, in conversations with others, in love...


They say if you can admit your problem, you are on your way to a solution. I am going to stop trying not to be bored by others. I am going to focus on me and figure out ways to keep myself intrigued.
I find that the more i rely on others to hold my interest, the more they fall short even when they were not falling short before.


I need to get the blogging MOJO i had back in June/July/August back. With finals approaching, i won't hold my breath. But the rest of you rethots, OhJ, T.Notes have absolutely no excuse for these sparse posts you put up. Freaking get back to blogging and holding my interest...


Kisses


Song of the day: Tracy Chapman - If not now

6am Feeding

The phone rings. I have been staring at it for the past two hours, willing it to ring. I called but her phone rang endlessly and i knew it meant she got stuck in the land of her dreams where even I am barred from entering. So I have waited, counting the seconds, then the minutes, and then the hours till she stretches upon our huge bed and reaches for the phone to reignite my life.

She never fails. 1am every day…I have come to live for that hour. 23 hours pale and all the madness of the world is made sane when her voice comes on over the phone at 1am. Today, the phone didn’t ring until 3am.

I am jolted out of my reverie as my voicemail picks up. I pick up.

“Obim” she says like she said yesterday, like she will say tomorrow.

 “Hey” I answer as I let my mind wander to another time, another place, to her life.

“What happened? I was scared stiff with worry when you didn’t call at 1am like you always do”. I say

“Sorry” she answers with a tone that lets me know she is anything but sorry

‘What time is it’ I ask her.

“You know what time it is. Why are you asking me?”

I feel her frustration because it is mine as well. I wait for the flood that is threatening. It won’t be much longer.

I hear her breathe in deeply.

“I am sorry she says. I had to take Ego to the hospital. She was sick in the evening and we got home late. I hate it that you are not here. She is growing up and you are missing it. My breasts ache because she won’t drink my milk anymore. She cries a lot and won’t let anyone help me with her. Do you know the only thing that is sure to make her smile? When I stand before the mantel that has your picture and point at Daddy. She is crawling and I am afraid someday when I am not concentrating she will crawl away from my life. I am afraid, Obi.’

I let her cry a while.

“What time is it?” I ask her again. I need to hear her say it. I don’t know why. I am aware of the exact hours between us but all of it is unreal till she says it. Until she says it, I am helpless, lost in time, lost I translation…

“8am” she answers. For the first time since she was born, I have missed my daughter’s 6am feeding.

“How much longer till you are home?” she asks with a solemnity that should only be reserved for prayers.

“Not much longer now.”  I reply with a certainty that only God should possess.

“Where are you?” I ask.

“On the balcony”

“Describe it to me.”

She knows I mean the sunrise. So she does. I fall asleep to the sounds she makes as she paints bold pictures of the sunrise that was once mine and that I fear I have lost forever. 

When I wake up, its 7am and it is a different sunrise. The message alert on my phone is blinking. I pick it up and there is a photo of my girls, on the balcony backing the sunrise. Their smiles defeat time zones and distance. There is a mesage attached to it.

“The sun rises for us wherever you are. I will call you up for the 6am feeding...”

Song of the day: Westlife - Close

Let there be light

‎'When God said, let there be light, in the life of a boy who will remain unnamed, He meant let there be you, Kiah...'

The above is a direct quote. Every time i talk to the man who said the above, a certain kind of peace rests upon me. I forget my worries and i just live. At least for that day. There are few people who have this effect on me. Infact, let me not deceive myself, it is just him and God.

I haven't seen him in years and yet it feels just like yesterday we were kids, learning new things and in such a huge hurry to leave home. We both got our wish but you know what they say about being careful what you wish for. We talk every other day but it is not the same.

I used to day dream about seeing him again one day and telling him all the things i should have said. Stuff like 'Thank you' and how i admired his serenity and how he had the best smile in the world. I don't dream about it anymore. I don't think it will ever happen. I missed out on all my chances: first, second and thousandth chances. Mo ti gba kamu!!!

I do this all the time. I take people for granted till they are no longer accessible and then i start with the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda'.

So my October resolution ( and yes i can have a resolution three months before the New Year. If e pain you, Lagos Lagoon beckons) is to hold on to people a little bit longer, kiss them a little bit deeper, love them a little harder...

Its 11pm. I have an exam tomorrow...i should be reading but here i am keeping my resolution and sending out my kisses in search of the man to whom i was once light and everything bright...

Song of the day: Asa - Babe gone

Random Ish

Just saw a photo of M on Facebook.


It brought a tear to my eye...emphasis on the word "tear" and not "tears".


I miss that man die. I have to let go of my pride and say hello to him one of these days. Stubborn donkey that he is, he was my friend once. A reminder of all the things i am not brave enough to be...sigh...


It is getting colder everyday out here. I miss Lagos and the sun that pierces through your every pore and warms the coldest recesses of your heart. I miss the beaches. Let's close the curtain of charity on all that i miss. I have exams tomorrow. I cannot afford to go to bed crying. Deep breath....


I am falling in love with my new friends. The way their faces light up when i hug them. The way they are beginning to see through me and my Facades... The way they accept me and my Nigerianness. 


It has taken a while but slowly, surely, their stories are becoming my story. I think i might be able to tell it soon. Keeping my fingers crossed...


Where is everyone??? SN, OhJ, Rethots, Beautiful ???


Happy belated birthday Nigeria! We are on the side of angels. Shine, baby, shine...


Song of day: John Mayer - Who says

Battle of words

Words...they can heal and they can repair as much as they can disease and destroy. The Bible says the tongue is a little fire. Fire can warm. And it can burn. 


Thank you John Doe


If i had a dollar for every time i have unpacked these boxes,
I would be on the Forbes list.
Alas my packing skills come cheap


Goodbye is so final, you say.
So you reach out and kiss me fare well instead.
And then i forget why i wanted to leave in the first place


Until the next time.


Mere words, 
And yet i rely on them to help me leave you
Mere words,
And yet i find myself tangled up in them time after time.
"Goodbye, fare well, i am sorry, don't leave, i hate you, i love you"...


The boxes are packed again.
I know better now.
They are but mere words.
Unable to heal, powerless to repair,
Until you mean them.


So we will not be saying these words.
I will be taking the back door out.
Silence wins more battles than words.


Song of the day: U2 - With or without you.

Inspiration runs dry

I hate this place.


Inspiration runs dry. My muse has taken a leave of absence. The faces are unfamiliar. Their stories are not mine to tell.


I might as well just give up. :(


Song of the day: Aaliyah: Miss you

Imamuli

There are some names you hear and you never forget. Imamuli is one of those names for me. I never even learnt its meaning or origin. The Imamuli i met is beautiful and her eyes shine like the stars. Wherever she is i hope she still shines


I woke up and she wasn't there. I reached out for her just in case my eyes were playing games with me. The familiar outline that crisscrossed my sheets every other night was gone. 


Her purse was gone. She didn't need her purse to make the early morning coffee she could not do without. Her clothes were not neatly folded on the drawers where i had left them after undressing her last night. Imamuli had no problem walking around in her birthday suit. I smiled as i remembered the first night she slept over. I had almost gotten a heart attack from running round the house, trying to pull down the window blinds before she sashayed her naked way past them. The neighbors thought me weird enough as it were.


Before Imamuli, i was the puzzle with the missing pieces. Surely it would take more than this five-foot high woman to fill in the blank spaces of my life. One woman could never be enough to sort me out, i had boasted many a time to my friends. It turned out i wasn't missing pieces, just some thing to keep the pieces from falling apart. Imamuli turned out to be the glue.


Last night, Imamuli hit me. And then she cried while i rocked her to sleep. It took a long time for the tears to stop falling and for her to sleep to. With every tear drop, a part of my soul leaked away.


"I would have told you eventually" I said to her before the slap and the tears. "Eventually???" she asked looking at me incredulously. "Pray tell when or what is eventually to you? When you are dead??" The British accent was back. The one she used with the obnoxious sales girl at the grocery store.


"I am supposed to be your best friend. Every other freaking person knew except me. How could you let me find out from someone else. How could you have gone through these past months and not needed me when all i do is need you? And i am not even the one with cancer!" 
" Maybe its because i am not weak and needy like you" I replied. As soon as the words left my mouth, i knew i had made a mistake. The slap that followed confirmed it. 
"There is a difference between being needy and needing you" She said in a voice that would have felled giants and then the tears began to fall.


I had held her and whispered how sorry i was. She had not said another word. 


I had hoped that morning would come and it would be as if none of it had ever happened. Not yesterday, not two months ago when i got my results from the lab, not whenever this evil decided to wreck its havoc on my body...i would give anything to take it all back.


I got out of bed and stepped onto the balcony. In another four hours, i would be up for my first round of chemotherapy. And then what?? 


"Hey" 


I turned around and she was there. She was backing the sun and even with her puffy eyes, i had never seen anything more beautiful.


"You are dressed." I said
She eyed me, daring me to say more. "Yes. I went to the store to buy stuff to cook breakfast." 
This from the woman who burnt even toast bread. I wanted to laugh but my cheeks stung from the night before so i walked over and kissed her instead.


"You are not going to die, dammit. I will not let you die, you hear?" She said as she reached up to cradle my head. 'I need you too damned much for you to die". 


My cheeks were disinclined towards getting fresh abuse so I agreed with every word she said. As i held her, i realized - this was as complicated as it got and as simple as it would ever be. For my life to make sense, i needed for this woman to need me. If she ever decided self-sufficiency was the way, then there was no telling if wholeness would ever find me again. Chemotherapy could only go so far. 


Song of the day: Dido-Who makes you feel?

Facades

I have been staring at the screen for some thirty minutes, more or less. So much i have to say but my fingers fail me. My fingers and my heart. My heart is where the words come from. My fingers only do it's bidding.

I spoke to an old friend today. He asked me out a long time ago and i gave him a resounding no. That NO resounded through our conversation today. We skirted around the issue, indulging in small talk instead. Catching up on the years. He asked me when i was coming over to his city. I said i had noone and nothing that would bring me there. I know he read the underlying meaning. There was a long silence after that.

 

That was the summary of our 5 minute conversation...small talk and huge silences.

I have few enough friends as it is already in this place. I want to keep him. I hope i can keep him. He sounded the same. Naive and innocent. Unspoiled and virgin. So trusting and so believing of this facade i have put out for the world to see. I want to keep him that way. After another long silence, i told him i had to run. He said he will call again soon. A shiver ran down my spine. I am not sure if its from fear or from anticipation. I am leaning towards the former.

I need to stop pushing people away. It is just that this is the only way i know how to be.

Song of the day: The Script-For the First Time