July 19, 2010
Its been threatening to boil over these past few months...
It started with you forgetting to buy me pizza on the way back home. I felt you didn't care enough about me. After all i was hungry. Then i nagged you all day about watching the match the night before and hanging out with your boys while i stayed home watching episode after episode of Lost and feeling lost without you.
Somehow within a short time it felt like everything had changed. You couldn't do enough and neither could i. When you tried to talk to me i shut you out and said you were complaining. When i tried, it was nagging. We went everywhere together but it felt like we were worlds apart. I started seeing shadows where there were none. You covered up even the most innocuous action just so i wouldn't see shadows there too. It didn't matter. I saw them still. Like a cycle...
We used to be best friends. Not these strangers that tiptoe around each other for fear of cracking the thin ice that has replaced our strong foundation. I wake up at night sometimes and i try to trace the angles of your face. Nothing has changed there except am afraid you will wake up and think i am crazy. You used to wake up ask me if I've found what i was searching for. I used to say yes. I can't say that anymore.
So it finally happened this morning. I said so many things. you picked the keys and drove off. I cried a lot and swore i wouldn't care if you never came back. You came back late and slept in the other bedroom. You didn't eat the dinner i made. I gave it to the dogs. I took a walk through the streets of the estate. I thought about what i had to lose if i moved on. I thought about what i stood to gain. We were still both oh so young. We could always find other people to love. I looked at all the well lit houses. and wondered what sadness they covered. Heard the noise of the generators and wondered what sounds of the heart they hid.
Our people say "Asiri a bo o"... Its a prayer that your shame be not made public. Your secrets to remain secret. When you stop trying, your secrets won't stay that way. We all have secrets.One of Mine is that i am a stupid woman who is letting her feelings and hormones determine her path.
I made my way back home. I closed the doors. I made my way to the bedroom where you were pretending to sleep and i took your face in my hands and promised myself "Asiri wa a bo".