October 20, 2010

Dream snatchers

Last night i dreamt i was on a hill.
Alone. And yet i wasn't lonely.
The wind breathed in my ears and played with my hair.
The sun warmed my skin.
The birds serenaded my ascent.
It was the most beautiful feeling ever.
I woke up to find you watching me with that strange look upon your face that heralded a joining.
It wasn't the wind after all.
It was your heavy breathing.
It wasn't the sun that warmed me.
It was the heat your lust gave off.
It wasn't the birds.
It was the whistling in your nostrils .

You went to work.
I kissed you goodbye.
Cleaned the house.
Put your dinner in the microwave.
Packed my things, locked the doors and left you.
You have stolen my dreams for the last time. 

Song of the day: Destiny's Child-Emotions

October 13, 2010

Dear John

So i know this child. He is really a  baby actually. He will be two in January. I think he still makes it in the baby category. I forget sometimes, in fact  i forget loads of times. He is smart like that. Calls me 'Antiee' and knows two plus two makes four. I wonder how many of you reading this knew what one plus one was at four years of age. I am just saying...

Last week i gave him a balloon and he said...'chank yuuuu'

I took a deep breath and almost burst into tears. I didn't - thank God. I imagine how quickly his bewildered mother would have whisked him away from the weird 'Antiee'. Thankfully doubts about my sanity weren't called into question that day. 

Things haven't been going as planned. Scrap that, they haven't been going well at all. I wake up, go to work, walk the talk, talk the walk but my insides are all messed up and in need of healing. I have taken to crying a lot-in the bathroom at work, at home, in my father's arms...anywhere where it is safe
I know how to do the whole smiling while dying inside thing so very few people know. I have been mighty angry, plenty bitter and very very sad. On Friday , Lil John brought the first real smile to my face in days. I kissed him and said you are welcome. He laughed that amazingly heartbreaking baby laugh of his and broke into a song. The lyrics were pretty messed up but i would know the melody anywhere. Shakira would have been proud. Even babies know the 'Time for Africa'

Dear John. He said 'chank yuu' a hundred times to me that night.  The balloon kept falling off its little straw and i kept fixing it. My patience didn't run out. Every time he looked at me with those eyes to signal he needed help i dutifully did the needful. It reminded me of how faithful God is and all the times i have needed help and have been too confused to ask and He keeps helping. He hasn't run out of patience either

So this is my thank you Post. It is possible, actually it is more than likely that i will be needing to remember reasons to be thankful in the days ahead.  I hope i have the presence of mind to come back to this post and remember what its all about. Thank you dear John for the reminder.

Song of day: Mary Mary- Thank you

October 11, 2010

Strangers to self

He is my friend. I have never been his. He is the one i run to when it all falls apart. He always lets me in when everyone else has shut the door in my face. He is magical, he is sweet, he is him and i am so thankful he found me. More thankful, he stays...

This is something he wrote a while ago and has let me borrow while my muse is on holiday :). 

We are well acquainted to what we are not
And strangers to what we are
That’s why it’s hard to be ourselves.
We are in conflict with the inner self:
The one only us know
But well settled with the outside self:
The one everyone knows
Antisocial cavemen
Living in a social civilization
we trade War and discrimination
For peace and diversity
Our minds are still primitive
So we can’t understand that our differences make us even the same
Busy getting caught in the web
we forget our common origin
In the network of books with faces
We really should be finding our own spaces

 Song of the day: One republic- Stop & stare

October 8, 2010

M & me

I saw M today. He had the best shave ever. It made me want to nuzzle him. If you know me even a little bit, you will know i don't do facial hair.. it tickles and not in a funny way. It gets in the way of good kissing. My men have always been clean shaven. The first time a boyfriend kept a beard i didn't kiss him for a whole week till he got rid of it.

Back to M. He is on his way for a  meeting when i see him. He does a double take and his eyes does the whole stripping thing. One of the amazing things about M is how he stares at ladies and doesn't even pretend or hide that he is looking. He looks at my face and smiles that slow serpentine smile that i love so much. I laugh and say hey. I feel  so good inside already that i make the mistake of leaning to hug him. Now if you have read my blog before you will know about M and you will know my friend hates, detests, completely abhors hugs. M hesitates  but only for a  second. Next thing i know M is hugging me willingly for the first time in our almost two years old love-hate friendship.

When he finally lets go, he stutters ' eh are you dating now?' I almost kiss him. My friend - a man of many extremes. He can make u feel as low as dirt and he can raise you higher than the stars. Today isn't one of my brave days so i just smile and saunter away leaving him staring. I envy the girl that will change his mind about settling down. I envy the girl that will make him do the double take everyday.

 I am ready to take on the world tonight. Thank you M

p.s M is an amazing guy. We are best friends some days, worst enemies on others. Don't get it twisted. Besides he is smarter than i...i would never have anything to do with a man smarter than i am...am just saying...

Song of the day: Maxwell- Stop the world

Masquerades (3)

Its been two months since the day i bought the masks. She didn't make it back home that night. I bathed the kids and took them to school the next day. Like the bright stars that they are, they knew better than to ask. Or maybe they saw the grayness in my world and pitied me.

Night came and i came home from work. The house told me she was back before i entered. It was always like that. It brightened at her presence and pined for her when she left. It was quiet everywhere but i knew she was back.

'I always knew it was Nifemi'  I turned, startled by her voice in the darkness of our dining room. She was sitting where i sat the night before. Mask in her hands. ' I just wanted you to know. In case you think you ever ahd me fooled. I have always known'. 
I didn't dare to move. I feared even to breathe. If she heard me breathe, maybe she would change her mind and stop.

She stood and took my hand and led me to the bedroom. The other bed that had been my prison this long year had been removed. There were tears in her eyes. They rolled down her cheeks. The angels had taken away my speech . Like Zechariah, they feared i would spoil the miracle if i said anything. I took off her clothes  with a reverence that was evidenced by my shaking hands. That night, she whispered my name with every breath, with every moan. She climaxed with my name on her lips.

I rushed home the next evening.  I had regained my speech at work. I wanted to sing of my love for her. Tell of my eternal gratitude to her. Croon about my undying loyalty. I got out of the car and my eyes went to the bin. It had been that way since the first day the i saw my flowers discarded. I held my breath as i made my way to look in it. Only the masks were there. Mine and Nifemi's.

I let out my breath and raced into the house. My flowers were beside her reading lamp.

The era of the masquerades was over.

P.S this was a lot harder to write than i thought possible. I am not so sure fiction is my thing. :)

Song of  the day: Green day- 21 Guns