November 24, 2011

Of shells and tortoises...

Today you crossed my mind. Ok, scratch that. You are always on my mind but today the day you died and images i thought i had forgotten flashed clearly before my mind's eye. Damn but i still miss you...i will go my grave missing you. It is the way it is. I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to feel this pain to be. I accept that. I can live with that.

The images came and went but what stayed was everything that remained after you left me. After you, people failed me. They looked at me and refused to see beyond the girl who pushed everyone away. They refused to come a little closer or look a little harder and see a child scared out of her wits, a child who had just lost her champion and the only person who saw beyond the hard shell.

Do you remember the tortoise that was my pet. It went away someday and never came back. I think maybe it died and you did not want to tell me. I think about it often and the speed at which it retreated into its shell whenever anyone crossed its radar. I feel like that tortoise a lot of times. The world out there is harsh. There are people who make it their business to hurt you and they keep finding new ways to do it. 

Unlike the tortoise, i chose not to cower in retreat. With you, facing the world was easy. Without you it is harder but i am giving it my best shot. I am a woman now or so i like to tell myself. But i am still your little girl. I look in the mirror and i see your smile. My heart is not the only place where it looks like you. It is eerie and the best feeling ever. 

Iyawo mi...knowing you was amazing, having you as my mama was God's gift to an undeserving me. Thankful as always for you...

Song of the day: Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms Of An Angel 

November 19, 2011

Facing my fears

They say coming face to face with your fears is the best way to deal with them.

Last night, i faced my fears. I was calm, unmoved, fearless. I was a warrior with no more battle left in her but damn if i was going down. I listened. I laughed. I forgave myself. I am still here. Unbowed. 

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining brightly despite the chill. This is life. Two sides of a coin. Two stories to be told. Your version, my version. I have no control over your story but my story is all mine. I have no intention of letting anyone determine my story. 

Happy thanksgiving people. This is what i have to be thankful for.

1. God's love
2. Life
3. Family
4. Friends
5. Love
6. School
7. Stories
8. The future

Here is a to a longer list next year...twins maybe? ;)

Song of the day: Asa - Eye Adaba

November 11, 2011


Memory cheats.

In this game called life, memory knows it has the upper hand. And so it waits till a couple of months later; when you think you are healing nicely and the dull ache where your heart used to be is gone. 
Memory bides its time till laughter is your friend again and your happy days are no more few and far between.
Memory waits like a thief lurking in the shadows; waiting for the perfect moment to strike and steal what you thought was here to stay.

It is a beautiful day. You drive and sing along to the radio. You marvel at the leaves turning red, gold and all the colours of a new season. You step out of your car and continue to whistle the tune stuck in your head. The sun is shining and there is a rainbow in your heart. You walk with a  jaunt in your steps and smile at the litle girl skipping her way to school. You take a few more steps and that's when memory plays its trump card. It reminds you of hours spent on the beach, holding her in your arms and dreaming up little girls with her smile and your eyes. 

You stop walking and turn to watch the little girl go. The dull ache in your heart has returned. The clouds have caught up with your rainbow. While your memory was at it, it stole the tune you had in your head as well.
You watch her skip away from you and wonder what more you could have said, done, to make her stay.

Memory cheats. In this already unfair game of life. It waits till you think you have a winning hand. And that is when it reveals all its aces. Today it was the little girl. Tomorrow it will be the old man that sweeps your building. He will be singing her song. Next month it will be the smell of new rain that washes Lagos away and leaves behind a city beautiful and unparelled in its resolve. It will remind you of how much she loved her city.

There is plenty you can run away from in this race called life. There is one that will always match you pace for pace. Memory...

Song of the day: (this one is for you Ohj) The Script- For the first time

November 5, 2011

He calls me 'love'

He calls me 'love'

Every time and all the time. When its my turn to say it back, the word hooks somewhere in my throat. When we are writing, its easier and i can blame every hesitancy on the 'stupid network'. I tell him how lost i feel. He asks me if i want to be found. I have no answers. 

Is it possible that when God made me, He designed that i would walk through this path fraught with thorns and be wounded and never recover? Could it be part of His perfect plan that i am never able feel love after that one time? Or did i with my own hands mess up His perfect plan? Am i doomed to suffer for the rest of my life? 

I want to be happy. I am happy now but for Pete's sake, i am a writer. We writers need to be as deliriously happy as the characters we weave tales about. I want super happy. I want to be able to write my own story and that is where the problem lies. I see God weaving this wonderful story but I am too impatient to get to the deliriously happy part. So i stand at His elbow and try to help him out. " Add a little humor there, some adventure here", I say... I am screwing up very badly in helping Him tell this story. The thing is i don't know how to let go and let Him.

In happier news...i tried singing, real singing, in the shower today. My voice is as good as new. Unlike the little Mermaid, i didn't lose my voice too. Maybe, just maybe, there is hope for me...

I wear you like the tribal marks of an Ibadan man. 
You know those men that turn their faces away when they know the rest of the world is staring?
They turn away forgetting that they are marked on both cheeks.
Any way i turn, i cannot escape you and the scars you have left on my soul.

I saw an Ibadan man the other day.
I starred at his marks for the longest time.
He turned towards me and smiled.
It was the most beautiful smile ever.

I smiled back and the scars you left me forgot how to be ugly

Song of the day: Nosa : I go always pray for you

November 2, 2011

Fairy tales

I want to fall in love. If not for anything, to prove that i can. To prove that i have healed. To prove that in healing, my heart did not turn to stone. To prove that i still believe in the goodness of others. 

My greatest fear these days is that i will end up with someone that i do not love. It is what keeps me awake at night. It is why i wont take a second look at opportunities that are staring me in the face. It is why i say my prayers with tears-well among other things.

I want the old me back. The girl that was unafraid and unencumbered by this fear. If i don't ever get that girl back, i would have lost something only me and God knows its value. There is such a thing as healing too quickly.

I love November. The buildup before Christmas. In my head is a picture of what the Church of Assumption, Falomo will look like soon. In my heart is an image of Ajose Adogun and Zenith Bank outdoing themselves year after year with Christmas lights.

It has not snowed here yet but if it does, i will be hibernating! Classes or no classes. There is only so much an Ijesha girl can take. 

There is a fairy tale somewhere that has lost its princess. Counting the seconds till i believe again...

Song of the day: Coldplay - Paradise