November 24, 2011

Of shells and tortoises...

Today you crossed my mind. Ok, scratch that. You are always on my mind but today the day you died and images i thought i had forgotten flashed clearly before my mind's eye. Damn but i still miss you...i will go my grave missing you. It is the way it is. I wouldn't have it any other way. I need to feel this pain to be. I accept that. I can live with that.

The images came and went but what stayed was everything that remained after you left me. After you, people failed me. They looked at me and refused to see beyond the girl who pushed everyone away. They refused to come a little closer or look a little harder and see a child scared out of her wits, a child who had just lost her champion and the only person who saw beyond the hard shell.

Do you remember the tortoise that was my pet. It went away someday and never came back. I think maybe it died and you did not want to tell me. I think about it often and the speed at which it retreated into its shell whenever anyone crossed its radar. I feel like that tortoise a lot of times. The world out there is harsh. There are people who make it their business to hurt you and they keep finding new ways to do it. 

Unlike the tortoise, i chose not to cower in retreat. With you, facing the world was easy. Without you it is harder but i am giving it my best shot. I am a woman now or so i like to tell myself. But i am still your little girl. I look in the mirror and i see your smile. My heart is not the only place where it looks like you. It is eerie and the best feeling ever. 

Iyawo mi...knowing you was amazing, having you as my mama was God's gift to an undeserving me. Thankful as always for you...

Song of the day: Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms Of An Angel 


  1. Very deep; you have said something profound and can, indeed, profoundly indict those who retreat without a fight.

  2. This was all sorts of touching... I'm sure she's looking down, ssmilling too...

  3. I totally understand this, this is how I feel sometimes. They never tell you that you'll never forget, that you'll never stop hurting...:-(

  4. Heartfelt and beautiful. I'm sure your mother felt blessed to have had you for a daughter

  5. every of your comments brought tears to my eyes... live in the memories of the ones you love is not to die...these are the memories that drive

    thank you folks

  6. This made me go very, very, still. So poignant. So beautiful...