June 30, 2012

The Perfect Blue

So this weekend, I decided to say goodbye to June with a bang. The pictures below may or may not give you a hint of what i did...(notice my windswept hair :) ).

While it was fun as most new experiences are, this weekend served to remind how really big our God is. Bigger than all the mountains that loomed large in front of me as i approached my destination; and those that haunted my departure as i made my way home. (Chei but i can blow grammar sha!)

There is a reason for the mountains in our lives. It is to remind us to look beyond them-to those clouds, to that perfect blue, to the God who made them both.

 I forget how really GREAT that God is all the time.

Here is to an amazing July and trusting God to bear me up lest I dash my foot against a stone. 

Song of the day: Phil Collins- True Colors

June 24, 2012

White, in size 8

I can't stop writing...apparently when it rains, it pours in my head.

I started to tell you a story but I looked into your eyes and it was empty. There was no fertile ground in your heart for the words I had to say; and so I made up another. This time, pure fiction. You laughed in the right places, made faces where necessary but your heart stayed unmelted.

I bid you goodnight with a kiss on the cheek. I hugged you tighter than i have ever done. I said all the right things to make you feel better. I held your hand for a little longer than I would normally do but your heart remained unmoved.

I lie in bed now and tell the story that i wanted to tell you tonight  to myself. It is a true story unlike the one I made up earlier. It is the story of how I have fallen in love with the sadness in your eyes. It is the tale of how my heart beat faster the few times you have ventured to smile since she left you. It is a narrative of how I want nothing more than to be enough for you.

There are some love stories with not enough hearts. There are some tales whose beginnings are but stillborn. There are some narratives whose times have not come.

I tell the story that was meant for you to myself. I listen in the silence that only night can bring and realize how much is missing from this tale. There is no theme, no plot, no setting. There is just you broken hearted and me, waiting in the wings to make it all better.

I smile to myself in the dark as I think of how much better this story could be with a little time. Your heart will heal.  You will forget the way she smelled.  The tears you will cry in days to come will drive away the emptiness from your eyes. The pain you will feel when you accept she won't be coming back will leave your heart  a fertile field for seed; seed that is me. 

I saw a new dress in a boutique window yesterday. It was in your favorite color and my perfect dress size. White for a clean slate, a new beginning; 8 for an unbroken circle, a regeneration… 

'Once upon a time, there was a white dress...'
A beginning as good as any...

Yes, I am a size 8! Finally! UK Size only oh! US size 6...so who wants to buy me a white dress?  :)

Song of the day:  One Nation Crew- Free

June 22, 2012

Letting go...

I have been writing a lot lately...this is one of my worse ones...i can't seem to give it a proper ending. 
Some stories and my muse is on a high; with this story my muse is more than done. One of the things about being a writer is you get used to letting go. After 96 hours of reading, editing and mulling over this story, I think its time. 

Time for Effiong to let go, time for Titi to let go, Time for Kiah to let go...

He tried to make her stay but the more he tried, the more she primed her wings to fly.

He would wake up sometimes to find her watching him.
‘What is it?’ he would ask.
‘Nothing. I just love watching you sleep.’ She would reply. 

But it wasn’t nothing and they both knew it Even in the kiss that would follow, he could taste withdrawal. He had become the chains that held her bound, the cage from which she strained to be freed.

On some nights, he would wake up and she would be gone from the bed they shared. He would find her on the balcony rocking on her heels, like a bird about to take flight.
‘Are you okay?’ He would ask as he put his arms around her waist.
‘Yes, yes, I am fine. Go back to sleep. You are the one who has to go to work tomorrow.’ She would reply.

Sometimes he would ignore her and stay on that balcony, the two of them fighting the demons that threatened to steal her away. Sometimes he was just too tired to lift the shield of hope or brandish the sword of love on her behalf and he would go back to sleep.

The day came when she finally made to leave. She tried to hide her excitement but a child with a new toy would have done much better.
‘Think about it, Effiong. This is what we have always wanted; the chance to travel, to live somewhere else, to start afresh.’ She enthused.
‘I thought we were already doing that; starting afresh. I thought leaving Lagos and coming to Abuja was what we both wanted.’ He replied.
‘It isn’t the same, Effiong. Even here, there are reminders of the past we ran away from. But with this job, we can go somewhere where no one knows us, where there are no reminders of what we have been through. We can wipe the slate clean.’

He made his way to the bar. He was not a drinking man but even God in heaven knew he needed reinforcements to say what he was about to say.
‘Well what do you think?’ she asked as he nursed his glass of cognac.
‘I think it is amazing but will it be enough, Titi? Will anything or anywhere ever be enough for you to move past the past? I would give up Lagos, Abuja, my whole world for you in the blink of an eye but I need to know if my sacrifice will be enough to bring back the woman I fell in love with.’

Her face fell as he spoke and she made to sit in the nearest chair.
‘Bad things happen to everyone, Titi. So we lost one child but do we have to lose ourselves as well? It has been two years and your heart still wears the colors of mourning even though you stopped wearing black a while back. We buried a child in Lagos and yet you exhume him daily in Abuja. Will moving to this new country and taking this new job finally put our son to rest?’

‘Sleep on it, my love and if your answer is yes, then I will put in my resignation letter tomorrow and follow you. But if it isn’t, then this is one journey you must make alone. When and wherever you find your peace, you just need to pick up the phone and I will come find you. But I won’t do this anymore. I won’t pack up and run from nothing and to nothing anymore. If we go wherever this new job takes you, it will not be because you are running. It will be because this is what you really want and you are ready to let happiness back into our lives.’

He made his way to where she sat and kissed her forehead. He left her sitting there to fight whatever battles the night would bring. 

Song of the day: Adele- Rolling in the deep

June 15, 2012

There are times when i still want you...

There are times when i still want you.

When the rest of the world has gone to sleep
And I stay up watching teary movies so i can follow suit.
When a stranger walks past me at the mall wearing your perfume 
When life's sometimes ugly scent hits me full in the face
and it is all I can do not to keel over

In my weakness
In my boredom
In my pain
In my shame
These are the times that i still want you

These are the times that are getting fewer and farther between

Song of the day: Bon Jovi: Living on a Prayer

June 5, 2012

153 faces of hope

Everywhere I turn
Their faces haunt me
The babies that didn't get a chance to have a first day at school
The father who never got to teach his son how to be a man
The mother who will never roll her eyes again at her child's tantrums

The bride whose wedding dress hangs forgotten in a closet
The corper who will not get the chance to pass out
The child who will never ride the bike gathering dust in Connecticut again
The student who will not graduate
The business man who will never close another deal
The pilot who will never steer people home again

Sorrow has a face
As does hope
153 faces of hope

We will not forget

'God hath spoken once; twice have I heard this; that power belongeth unto God.'
Abba, we thank You. We bless your name because You alone are God. You alone has the earth, the heavens and the skies in Your hand. You are beyond all the words we can say, all the imaginations we can come up. We thank you for the 153. We know that even in this pain, You are God and you are perfect. We thank You, Abba for the gift of their lives. we thank You for sending them into the world in the first place. We thank You because they will not die in vain. we thank You for the healing that has already begun in the hearts of their loved ones. We ask that You be glorified. When our hearts fail and we ask why, forgive us. Know that it isn't because we doubt You or because we are angry but because we feel so lost. Help us find You easily and quickly in times like this. Draw us closer to You. Most of all, let Your name be glorified. Again, thank You Abba.
Oh and by the way, I still want those twins we talk about every other day. Please give them my eyes...without the short-sightedness of course. I love You, Abba. :) 

Song of the day : William McDowell - I Give Myself Away