Butterfly Wings

My daughter sleeps like a butterfly. Her arms and legs are always yearning for the sky.

My mother tells me I slept the same way as a child. I used to see butterflies in my dreams. On days where there was nothing but grey, the butterflies would visit my dreams and colour my nights. They haven’t visited since Mo was born. Tonight she is wearing the blue pajamas her grandfather bought for her. She will be the most beautiful blue bug in the world of dreams tonight.

They say when you become a parent, everything comes into perspective. Whoever said that probably agreed that the world was round as well. The first time I laid eyes on Mo, I lost all perspective, all reason…I am not sure I have gained it back four years later. Tears flowed freely down my face that night as the nurse placed her in my arms. I wasn’t the only one crying. The heavens poured down rain as well as it gave up one of its own.

I am moving out of the house tomorrow night. Ayo and I have agreed it will be best to end our charade of a marriage but only after we have given our daughter a befitting party.

What does it matter the exact time our marriage ends, I wonder? What matters is that it has ended and cannot be begun again. Who are we fooling? Mo? The guests? Ourselves? I stopped caring a long time ago about keeping up appearances but one more day to watch over my daughter as she makes her ascent to the skies is a gift horse I won’t look in the mouth.

My child wakes up and stretches. She sits up and tries to rub the sleep out of her eyes. I have been sitting by her bed all night. The rest of the walls in this house keep closing in on me. Only in her room can I breathe easy. She is my oasis in this desert that has become my marriage.

"Daddy”, she calls to me "is it my day yet”?

I kiss her hair with its smell of all that is right with the world and whisper in her ears how it has never ceased to be her day. I ask her about butterflies and dreams. She giggles and asks if she can be a butterfly when she is older. “Yes” I answer. "And a gorilla" I add as I tickle her. She squeals in laughter and it’s all I can do not to burst into tears. She quiets down and tells me how she wants to be free and happy like a butterfly always.

It turns out that i and my daughter want the same things. I want to be happy as well and my happiness lies away from the woman that gave her life. I have my child’s blessing.

I lift her out of bed and walk to Ayo’s room. Before I can knock on the door, my wife opens it. I reach into my pajama bottoms pocket and hand her back the divorce papers. Signed and sealed. She takes them, kisses her daughter happy birthday and shuts the door on us. I hear the sobs before the door shuts.

Mo is singing "Happy birthday to meee, how old are me now".

"How old am I now, Mo.” I  correct her.

She giggles and begins to sing  "if I were a butterfly…"

I smile and walk away from the shut door to prepare my daughter for her day and myself for a life without butterflies.

Song of the day: Westlife- Angel's wings

Winning ways...

Every time Messi scores, Casillas's face is a joy for any Barcelona fan to behold!!! hehehe


Welcome to a new season Barcelona!!! Welcome, Fabregas, to the ways of champions!!!


Eat your heart out Jose...all your tricks still leave you second best time and time again!!!


No song for today biko...i am giddy with joy over Messi's first goal today!!! That goal sang to me!!! :))

Habit

Habit is...


Ironing clothes quickly and two days before you need them...the fear of NEPA (even in another country) lives on..


Getting up at 6-freaking-am because i still think i have to leave home early to beat mad Lagos traffic...


Opening a browser window and going to take a bath because i think i am still using MTN Fastlink...


Hesitating to cross the road because  i expect to see those mad buses come out from the blue...


That will be all folks


Song of the day: Adele- Daydreamer

West

They told me to go east.

I went and found the lions,

Beautiful and brave,

Hungry and greedy for my flesh.

I ran southwards for my life

But the ever present color lines soon got confusing

And the hatred began to choke me.

I decided to go to the center of it all.

Maybe there i would find the secret to the puzzle.

I searched long and hard.

I journeyed to the North.

Its pyramids and veiled women,

Left me awed and not much else.

It was not long before I was enroute west.

The Niger quenched the lingering thirst I brought from the deserts.

Kente shielded me from the sun.                                                          

Yossou N’dour nurtured my soul with his dirges.

Ivory, Cocoa and Diamonds fed me.

Crude oil returned health to my parched skin.

West Africa, I have come home!

I love Africa, I really do but there is something about Mali, Senegal, Ivory Coast, Sierra Leone, Togo, Ghana, Benin, Nigeria..that is indestructible…come Biafra, come the Taylors, come the Does, come Boko Haram, come Blood Diamonds, come what may…West Africa holds the key.

 Song of the day: Angelique Kidjo-Salala

The things i do not say

Missing home will make a mushy writer out of anyone...forgive me... :)


I start by telling you how happy i have been these past few months. I ease into the good times we have shared. It takes a while but i get to the crux of the matter soon enough...

I am too old. You are too young.

I am Basange. You are Ibibio.

I am fat and ungainly. You are God's most graceful creation. 

You are quiet. I am like a cock hoping to outshine everyone with my loudness. 

We were not meant to be.

The things that i do not say..

That it scares me that i can no longer tell where your caramel colored skin begins and my dark chocolate bark ends.

That when i look into your eyes, I see what the creator had in mind when He decided to make me and it is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

I conveniently forget to tell you that when you kiss me goodbye in the morning, i have to stop myself from running after you and begging you to stay.

I do tell you i have watered the plants. You will not have to worry about them for a few days. When the pigeons come to coo at  the bedroom window, the bird seeds are on the ledge. Your laundry is done. Plenty of meals in the freezer, you just need to warm them up and eat. My bags are packed. I will call the cab myself. I need to find myself before i find you.

You cock your head to one side in that way that i love so much and look at me. I twiddle my fingers. Scratch my head. Take a few hesitant steps forward, and then backward. I stand before you like a child waiting for punishment. I wait for you to say something. We stay like this for a while and then you ask how my day was. 

It takes a while for me to answer all the questions in that one question. When i am finally able to, i am in your arms and it doesn't matter anymore.


Song of the day: Jem -Wish i

Hindsight

So i was sitting at the table, chatting with my friend on Facebook when i remembered that its Friday tomorrow.


It was just last Friday i decided to leave it all behind to follow my dreams. 


If i were in Lagos right now, i would be picking out what to wear for work. If Nepa had been good, i would be on my way to bed- no mosquitoes to think about, no un-ironed clothes to smooth-en, no worries about muscle pull from trying to coax my generator into working. Depending on whether i had plans to go dancing, i would pick out something sexy and a jacket so the office's fashion police won't fine me! The list is endless of what i would be getting up to right now...in Lagos.


What am i doing here? What search has led me here- to a people not my own, to a land i barely recognize, to food bland and missing maggi? What madness, bravery, stupidity possessed me to leave all that was great about my life for the unknown? 
I am not sure when the tears started falling. All i know is they haven't stopped. 
Its amazing that i am the same girl who couldn't wait to begin this journey. Yesterday, I was laughing like a mad hatter and acclimatizing.


Today, all i want is Akara and Fried Yam, Smirnoff Ice, Swe Bar, Yaba and Balogun(Target and Walmart-sheesh), my crazy friends, my duvet (i know i was forgetting something), my family...


I am so ashamed i am still crying...i am just a bag of mush after all!!! If the crying was the dignified silent stuff, e for better. But for where? When it rains, it pours in Kiahville. I will never live this snot and body heaves down!!! I haven't cried like this since...errr...okay let's draw the curtain on charity right there, shall we?


Land of the two rivers,
Home isn't where the heart is.
Its where the road leads.
You are where my heart is.
Will you be where my road leads?


Land of the two rivers,
There is no better place or people.
Proudly Nigerian.


Song of the day: Styl-plus- Ma se

Unfaithful husbands and dreams.

Before Blog husband starts looking for new Blog wife, i am still alive and kicking oh! So unless you have forgotten that we didn't sign any prenuptial and are ready to give up all you are worth, kindly stop trying to find a replacement for me!!!
Sigh, it hasn't even been that long since i posted... YIMU!


Anyways, i am glad i was missed. Now what have i missed?


I have a great excuse for not posting. I have an even greater one for not coming up with any literary wonder to delight y'all. And no it isn't my Muse. This excuse is called following my dreams. 


I am three days into it and i have found that following one dream will leave no room for some others. Is that a bad thing? Maybe. Maybe not. We will see.


T.Notes ,SN...darling, Professeur ...thank you for checking up on me. 


Rest assured, the right dreams will thrive no matter the competition. A time and season for everything underneath the earth...


Song of the day: Bob Marley-One Love

Lights, Camera, Action

I am all packed up. Just waiting to get on the plane and leave the life I have always known behind.
Oh, I am such a drama queen! Its not all that bad but hey I am not one to resist the lights, camera, action! Besides what's drama without a whole lot of exaggeration?

I have said goodbyes to the ones that mattered! As for the others, YIMU! I have packed and unpacked. I have read the luggage requirement for my airline a hundred times looking for ways to somehow get past having to pay for extra luggage!

I am ready to start anew but I am not ready to let go of some relics of my past. Its like planting a corn seed and expecting a pineapple plant. The way I see it I am a seedling! Already  rooted in the word of God, the good soil. I have shot out amongst the familiar. Now I am going to be transplanted into an unfamiliar environment. Whether I will succeed or not will depend on me. On whether or not I choose to remain firmly rooted in the reason for my being in the first place.

So there, I am leaving, with my very own flower pot complete with soil in tow. I am gonna make it! 

...come thorns, come rocks, come birds of the air, come what may...I fell on good soil after all..

I am only across the ocean.

if you miss me, breathe in deeply...

Like I said...I love drama...

Lights, camera, action... :)

Song of the day: Fergie-Finally

Hold on

There are no words to thank my wonderful friends for an amazing time on Friday.

Two days time and i am a year older. Amen.

Dear God, can i ever thank You enough?

Its another year again. Hold my hand. No matter how stubborn or angry i get, hold on please. No matter how many times i let go, hold on. That's all i ask, that you hold onto me and never let me go.

Thank you.

Errr Blogville, its been a whirlwind. I read through some of my old posts and cringe inwardly. Other posts make me blush :) Some others i can barely recognise myself in it.

I wouldn't change anything that has happened this past year, least of all discovering this world. Hold on to me, you guys. Don't let go, not just yet.

Be happy people

Song of the day: Maxwell-Pretty Wings

Treasures of darkness

In faith I do not love thee with mine eyes,

For they in thee a thousand errors note;

But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,

Shakespeare

Dawn comes swiftly and you wonder if somewhere in this world there is anyone who dreads this day as much as you. Probably not. Who wouldn't be glad to see another day? To see another day...

You shut your eyes a little tighter against Dawn. The smell of a new day assails your nose. It would be impossible to shut your nostrils as well so you stop fighting and let the day begin.

You hear the knock on your door and you answer in affirmative to let them in. They scurry like rats trying to prepare you for what they have named the most important day of your life. They are wrong about it being the most important day. That description is reserved for the day you met him. Today, all you can feel is emptiness and nonchalance.

"Would you prefer pink or lilac eyeshadow color" the grossly overpaid make up artist your mother insisted upon asks. You can smell the stale mixture of perfume and sweat coming off her. You shrug and she turns to your mother for help. Together they decide what color will bring life to your eyes.

You shrug your way through it all. The wearing of the gown they say brings out figure; the pinning down of your hair or whatever the hairdresser thinks he is doing; the prayers; the giggling of your friends; the busybodyness of your mother...

You sit in the limo your father hired. Its just you and him in the back seat. You think about how he has always been there for you. You wonder how he can bear to give you up to another man. You wonder if your father will miss you. You wonder if he can feel your doubt and fear. He has held onto your hand since you got into the car. He stops talking now and then to squeeze your hand reassuringly.

Your mind touches on everything and everyone apart from the man you are about to marry during the drive. Every time you try to steer your mind in his direction, all you see is darkness. Thick impenetrable darkness. Darkness so strong that you fear that if you explore it, it will consume you and you will never be able to find dawn in your heart again. You pray for illumination, lighting, brightening, anything to pierce through this darkness. Just so you might have a glimpse of why you are going along with any of this. Just so you might understand what has possessed you to want to tie your soul with this man.

The limo comes to a halt. Your father takes his hand in yours and asks if you are ready. You hear the expectation in his voice, and you nod in affirmative.

Every step that takes you closer to the church makes you want to run like a vampire confronted with a cross. Every step closer to the darkness that is your groom makes you hold on faster to the dawn you tried to run away from just a few hours ago.

The sky grumbles. You feel the worry of your bridal train as they whisper and sigh, pleading to the heavens to keep the rain clouds at bay. You can almost taste their anxiety as they hurry you into the cathedral

The organist begins to play. The long walk down the aisle begins as the sky thunders. Your father takes your hand and leads you as he has done so many a time. You smile as he hums the words to the music. Suddenly the music stops. There are hisses and shouts of recriminations against "NEPA". There are instructions to "Hurry and put on the generator". You recognize the Reverend's voice. He baptized you as a child. You hear your mother grumbling about the church maintenance people and how they are never prepared. She kisses you on the cheek and says "Its alright. the lights will be back on soon" You feel the swish of her wrapper as she walks hurriedly past. Your father's hands tremble a little in yours. Parkinson's or anxiety, you wonder. Its your turn to squeeze his hand. He squeezes back.

That's when you hear your groom whisper and ask if you are alright. The darkness that has overwhelmed every image you have of him finally gives way. The lights of your soul come on and through the eyes of your heart you finally see him as he has always been, as he will always be, come rain, come sunshine, come dawn, come twilight, come sight, come blindness...

The other lights come back on as he obeys the Reverend and kisses the bride. You can tell from the 'up NEPA's and 'praise God's that accompany the oohing and aahing at your kiss. You can tell from the smell of the hastily blown out candles that provided illumination when the generator failed to provide electricity. The lights that do matter have come on long before now. The lights of your soul have guided you down the aisle and into his life. Its alright to shut your sightless eyes now. 

 

Yes, you will never know what he looks like. Yes, you will bear children with him and never be able to tell whether they have your eyes or his. But what about the joy of never getting to see the ugly scars life will inflict on him or the serenity of never having to judge him by the world's twisted standards of beauty?

Darkness does have its joys.

They are called the treasures of darkness, the hidden riches of secrets places...

Song of the day: The Fray - Look after you